I've been struggling to think of something light hearted and whimsical to post following my last two missives. I was about to just write HA HA LOOK AT THE DAILY MAIL in 72 point Comic Sans (ooh, Comic Sans - there's a whole post right there) when this Twitter conversation occurred.
apopquizkid
What the hell is a Fray Bentos? Is it seriously a pie in a can?
hoola
@apopquizkid really? YES IT IS PIE IN A CAN! Go to the supermarket and look in the canned goods aisle.
apopquizkid
@hoola OK. Asked dude next to me in shop "What the hell is this?" He looked confused, then said "I think it's a pie."
hoola
@apopquizkid he knew, he was just embarrassed to admit that such a thing existed. See also Pot Noodle & Heinz breakfast in can
apopquizkid
@hoola Breakfast in a can? Have I been in a coma the entire time I've been living in the UK?
hoola
@apopquizkid I fear you've missed out terribly. You must be educated in the world of British convenience food. You've had Viennetta right?
apopquizkid
@hoola I was told Vienetta was for communists.
Kari, for those who are unaware of her genius, is a fellow foodie and writer. And foodie writer. She's my evil yankee twin and my daily dose of social networking LOLZ. Kari also introduced me to such atrocities as the Whole Chicken in a Can (I feel in many ways this is NSFW) and the Pizza Burger (which raised feelings of inner conflict not felt since Kylie's gold hotpants).
But she doesn't know about Fray Bentos! This must be set right. So here I present to you, not only in honour of Kari but in honour of all those, like me, who draw the convenience food line at those packets of fresh pasta, Britain's best (worst) convenience foods.
Fray Bentos
It's a pie. It's in a can. There is something inherently wrong in this scenario. I have never eaten a Fray so I probably shouldn't judge but COME ON PEOPLE IT'S PIE IN A CAN! What's wrong with pie in a box? Pie in one of those little tin foil containers? Pie in a damn pie dish? Pie should never, ever be in a tin.
Interestingly the Fray Bentos name originated in Uruguay where a plant manufactured corned beef on behalf of a company called Liebig's Extract of Meat Company. Yum.
HP All Day Breakfast
If there's one thing Britain does well it's breakfast, nowhere does morning sausage quite like a greasy London cafe, right kids? So why oh why oh why did someone think it was a good idea to do this to it?
I admit that in some ways I am to blame. I used to eat these. I thought they were lush when I was fifteen. Now I know better. I know that breakfast should not be despoiled and corrupted in this way. Nothing called a 'chopped egg nugget' should ever be allowed to exist. That's right - chopped egg nugget - essentially what appears to be a snack egg jammed in amongst beans thus rendering it soggy to the point of almost, but not quite, disintegrating. Equally vile are the slimy bacon inserts. Blee.
Please note that the Heinz equivalent, the London Grill, featuring beans, sausages, bacon and (for the love of all that is holy) kidney is no longer available. Thank goodness some sick fucker on Facebook is campaigning for its return.
Pot Noodle
I have eaten Pot Noodle only once. It was a Duke of Edinburgh expedition in which myself and approximately seven other friends slept in the one four man tent. I made the Pot Noodle as per the instructions. I ate three bites. I poured it down a hole I now realise was probably home to a poor unsuspecting bunny wabbit.
Producers of Pot Noodle, it doesn't matter how hard you try with your advertising, the old internet joke about 'having a Pot Noodle and a wank' will always be the image your appalling plastic pot of evil creates.
Smash
Those Smash robots were dead good weren't they? Sadly, Smash is shit. Really, really shit. To my mind it tastes of the smell of wee. That is all you need to know about convenience mash. And PS: peel potatoes, boil potatoes, mash potatoes up - it's not that hard is it?
Tip Top
Tip Top and canned fruit used to be the dessert of choice round ours. Actually, it's awesome. Leave Tip Top alone.
Dairylea Lunchables
It's not the cheese and the crackers that offends me about Lunchables. It's the ham. Look at it, all flacid and pink like a slice of a leper's willy. It makes me think of that ham with the boiled egg in the middle. Like gala pie but no crust? THAT is the foodstuff of satan.
Lunchables: for when you can't even lift your hand to slice cheese.
Brain's Faggots
The only good thing, surely about Brain's Faggots is the endless array of jokes that one can invent involving the name (ok, just the one joke, but you even try asking a shopkeeper 'where do you keep your faggots?' without smirking). I've never eaten a faggot (go on...) and suspect that a good, fresh one may be rather yummy in a haggis type way - they're similarly made with membrane...stuff. It's the frozen side of things which worries me. Fishfingers should be frozen, faggots should not. It's that and the general image faggots conjure of old person dinners - three day boiled marrowfats, wee-mash (see Smash), lumpy gravy.
Pork Pie
I am aware that this is somewhat controversial as most Brits love a pork pie. And living only 20m immediately south of Melton Mowbray I am probably putting myself in a somewhat dangerous position by saying this, but aren't pork pies a bit disgusting?
I'm not talking about a rustic handcrafted pie of pork, although only a nibble of said pie would pass my lips, I'm talking about those cheap service station ones with white stuff on the bottom and all the jelly. Oh, the jelly. The jelly which puts one in mind of...
Spam
It's Spam. Nobody in their right minds eats Spam.
Findus Crispy Pancakes
The staple diet of any child of a working mother raised in the 70s or 80s, the Findus Crispy Pancake is at best a bit odd, at worst downright filth.
This can be illustrated by this video. Watch the close up as teenage boy slices in to his beef pancake. Mmmm, give me that runny stuff, that beefy runny stuff that only gets served up when mum's not around because men can't cook or look after children (ah, the 80s, a simpler time). I suspect that folk are only eating the things to this day because their tastebuds have been entirely stripped from their tongues by the extremely dangerous Pop Tart-esque filling.
I could go on with the bizarre council estate foodstuff of the 80s - Bernard Matthews Turkey Drummers, Mini Kievs, potato waffles (they're waffly versatile) those appalling roast dinner ready meals - but I shan't, I'll be here all week and I've got a plate of faggots and mushy peas awaiting my attention.
But can we please all take a minute to remember Gino Ginelli ice cream. RIP Gino.
Tutti Frutti, what a cutie!
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